Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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