Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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