Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
