Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Randomize
