Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
