When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
