I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize