I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
