I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
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