Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
