At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
