i think my mom watched the whole time
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
