you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
