Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
