Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
