Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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