boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
