I CAN MOONWALK!
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
