she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
