I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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