This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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