I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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