i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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