i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
