Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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