i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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