I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You need Xanax blowdarts
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
