life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
