I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
