you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
