someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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