Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
