You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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