i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
farters have to be the big spoon...
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i love accidental penises.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
