i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
