last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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