1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
