My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
