Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
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