Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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