is your mom at the bar?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
