I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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