a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
we should paint friendship bongs
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
