yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
