Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
