my mouth tastes like poor choices
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
