my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
