You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
