My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
