I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
