I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
