No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
