Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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