My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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