I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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