After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize