my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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