it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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