My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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