I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
