trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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