im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
do nipples grow back?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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