She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Mom said you looked used
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
