I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
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